Monday, June 29, 2009

It is a slow day in the East Texas town of Madisonville. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from the East is driving through town.

He enters the only hotel in the sleepy town and lays a hundred dollar bill on the desk stating he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks up the stairs, the hotel proprietor takes the hundred dollar bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer then takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has lately had to offer her "services" on credit..

The hooker runs to the hotel and pays off her debt with the $100 to the hotel proprietor, paying for the rooms that she had rented when she brought clients to that establishment.

The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler from the East walks back down the stairs, after inspecting the rooms..

He picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory...... Pockets the money and walks out the door and leaves town.

No one earned anything.. However the whole town is now out of debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business.

If that doesn't scare the hell out of you, then I don't know what will.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Weekend Ride to Virginia Beach

Under the mantra of "Any Excuse for a Ride" I signed up for a couple of contests this summer to get out and visit several places of interest around the state of Virginia. One contest is in conjunction with the Virginia State HOG Rally where you get a passport and collect stamps from the Virginia Harley-Davidson dealers across the state. The other is sponsored by the Virginia Hospitality and Travel Association and is called the Motorcycle Grand Tour of Virginia (MGTV).

The MGTV operates similar to the HOG rally contest in that you receive a passport and get it stamped by various businesses across the state, including several of the Harley dealers, but not all. The HOG passport has to be turned in on June 20, while the MGTV passport isn't due until November. Depending on the number of stamps you get, you're up for a variety of prizes.

My wife, Renee, and I made a ride a couple of weekends ago and I collected a few stamps for some of the places that were relatively near by. I can get a little obsessive, compulsive about these kinds of things and knew after the first weekend it wasn't likely I would stop until I have every stamp in both passports.

So, with passports secured in the pocket of my vest, I hopped on the Electra Glide and headed out for another weekend ride. I got a later start than I had hoped on Saturday morning and didn't get on the road until about 8:45. This put me about 45 minutes later than I really wanted to be and proved to be an important 45 minutes before the day was out.

I rolled out of Haymarket and cruised down a familiar route using US-15 and US-17. My first stop was at Fredericksburg Motorsports. The ride to Fredericksburg was uneventful and other than being a little cloudy, prospects looked good for a fine day of riding.

From Fredericksburg, I had to travel about 35 miles down I-95 to King's Dominion Amusement Park. I hate riding on interstates (I'm sure I've mentioned this before). But, I needed to make up my lost 45 minutes and I-95 was as good a way as any to do that. The parking fee at King's Dominion is $10, but I explained my reason for visiting and luckily one of the parking managers was nearby to confirm I didn't need to pay. I made the quick walk to Guest Services and stop number 2 was in the book.

The next stop required another 12 miles of I-95, but so far, the traffic on I-95 was behaving. In other words, no one had tried to run me over yet. I pulled into Richmond Harley-Davidson admidst their open house. The crowds were just beginning to arrive, so I was able to get in, get my stamp and get out without too much difficulty.

Another 10 miles of I-95 dumped me into the downtown Richmond area where I had 3 stops within about 3 miles of each other. Eaglerider Central Virigina was located in an interesting part of town on Boulevard (that's right, just Boulevard), known locally as "The Boulevard". There are a couple of BBQ restaurants and a smokin' tattoo parlor across the street. I made a mental note to visit again if the opportunity presented itself.

I took The Boulevard a couple more blocks and turned left onto Broad Street. I noticed a nice statue/monument just past Broad and I should have made a point to snap a picture of it, but as usual I kept riding. I believe the statue was of Robert E. Lee on Traveler, but it could have been Stonewall Jackson on horseback. A future visit will have to confirm my suspections as I didn't bother to go back by. I know, I'm a nimrod. I didn't take any pictures the entire first day. (This translates to a few pages of text, but there are pictures for day two, just hang in there or quickly scroll down, look at the pictures and get on with your life!)

A couple of miles down the road was the Jefferson Hotel. Unfortunately, I made my way down Broad Street along with the thousands of families and friends attending graduation ceremonies at Virginia Commonwealth University. It was slow going, but not too bad. After a few extra minutes of sitting in traffic, I popped out the other side and arrived at the Jefferson. Nice place. If I come back to visit the area and make up for the things I was bypassing on this trip, The Jefferson would be a nice place to stay, assuming I can afford it.

From the Jefferson it was a short half mile run to the Richmond Region Visitor Center where a sweet little old lady excused herself from some guests and came over to stamp my passport. She politely told the others to give her a minute while she took care of the biker. I don't know if that meant I rated above the other guests or if she just wanted to get me out of her Visitor Center before I scared away the others. Either way, I got my stamp and hit the door.

Next stop was the South Richmond Harley-Davidson Shop on Hull Street Road. (They seem to have a problem with giving streets normal names in Richmond). I was using my GPS on this ride since I didn't want to have to memorize directions for 17 different stops. So, of course the GPS took me on the toll road, which by the way, wasn't marked as a toll road until the sign announcing the 70 cents toll appeared. 70 cents! Who the hell comes up with a toll of 70 cents! Unless you're riding around with 2 dimes and 2 quarters, or God forbid, 7 dimes or 14 nickles or the various combinations thereof, 70 cents means not only digging around for money, but having to deal with the change too. What a pain in the ass!

I stopped, put the bike in neutral, dug my wallet out of my back pocket, managed to peel a $1 bill out of it with my gloves on, passed it to the attendant, got my 30 cents change back, stuffed that into my front vest pocket, (Oh yeah, that reminds me, I got some change in that vest pocket), put the bike back in gear and rolled on. Did I mention this was a pain in the ass?!

I continued on down this fine toll road only to discover another toll plaza about 5 miles further. And guess what!? The toll was another 70 cents. You have got to be kidding me! To save paper, please refer to the paragraph above explaining the next few minutes of my life. (For all the blonds that might read this be sure to skip this paragraph when you re-read the paragraph above. I don't want you stuck in an infinite loop.)

Done, good, glad to have you back. So, off I go again on this wonderful toll road finally reaching my exit. Of course, there's another toll booth only this time it's 50 cents. Cool, I have 2 quarters in my vest pocket from the previous change. No problem, except that no matter how hard I try, I cannot retrieve those 2 quarters with my gloves on...dammit!

So, put the bike in neutral (actually it was already in neutral), pull off my left glove, dig into my front vest pocket, pull out (no, not the 2 quarters, but 1 quarter and 1 dime, along with some paper I didn't even know was in there), dig some more, finally retrieve the second quarter, hand over my 2 quarters to the nice lady, put my glove back on (see I didn't have to get any change this time), put the bike in gear and roll on. Ay yi yi!

I got my stamp at South Richmond H-D and (avoiding anymore toll roads) headed for Prince George, Virginia and Colonial H-D. The day was becoming more overcast as I traveled south and east. The temperature was pretty comfortable, but it was beginning to look like it could rain at any time. I decided to do a little shopping at Colonial and found a t-shirt to add to the collection along with a nice heavy denim long-sleeved shirt that could double as a light jacket later tonight and tomorrow morning when it would be a little cooler. Burcham Cycles (the next stop) was within eyesight of Colonial, so a quick run there ensured a couple more stamps in the passports.

By the time I left Burcham's it was a little past 2 in the afternoon and the day was beginning to slip away. I had 3 more Harley dealers I needed to hit before 5 and they were all in the Virginia Beach area about 80 miles away. I had 2 stops scheduled before reaching the first of the dealers, so I needed to get going.

I made the 35 mile run to Wakefield and stopped at the Virginia Diner, a local favorite and popular tourist stop for people headed to Virginia Beach. It was also featured on an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives with Guy Fieri on the Food Channel. Even though I knew time was short, I decided to have a grilled ham and cheese sandwich at the Diner before getting my passport stamped and continuing.

By this time it was 3PM and I still had a good hour to go before hitting the first of the 3 Harley shops. That only left me with an hour to get to the other 2. I decided to bypass my next stop based on the decision to work it into the equation on Sunday. I called Hampton Roads H-D to see if they were open on Sunday. If they were, I could easily move them to Sunday's ride and head straight for Bayside and Southside H-D. Of course, as luck would have it, Hampton Roads H-D was closed on Sunday.

So, I made a command level decision. I would go from Virginia Diner to Bayside H-D and then, depending on the time available, see if I could get Hampton Roads and Southside in before they closed. This turned out to be one of a couple of mistakes I would make over the course of the next 24 hours.

I arrived at Bayside H-D about 5 minutes before 4. I got my passport stamped and asked about the possibility of making it to Hampton Roads and Southside H-D within an hour. "No chance", was the reply. Then came a piece of news that made me kick myself for the next couple of hours. Bayside is open on Sundays. I could have bee-lined for Hampton Roads and probably made it to Southside in time if I had only known I could move Bayside to the Sunday stops. What a dumbass!

Now I had to decide which dealer to hit next. I decided on Hampton Roads using the following screwed up logic. If I had to come back to Virginia Beach next week Renee was going to be furious with me. So, to eliminate the pain that was going to cause me, I would invite Renee to come with me. Since Renee loves the beach, I would offer her a ride to the beach and she could enjoy the day at the beach while I took care of a visit to the H-D dealer to get my precious stamp. Since that was the plan, I decided to head for Hampton Roads now and return to Southside (closer to the beach) next week. Good plan, huh?

I jumped on the bike and hauled ass to Hampton Roads H-D, about 37 miles away. I made it there in time and got my stamps, plus a pair of H-D jeans that were on sale. Cheaper than normal, but not cheap. They tried to sell me a t-shirt, but I have so many H-D tees that I only buy them now if I really like the name of the store. Hampton Roads H-D didn't trip my trigger, so I begged off on the t-shirt.

I decided to go ahead and make a run for Southside. I had a hotel room booked near there anyway, so I figured, what the heck, I might be able to get there before everyone left the building and might get lucky. It was another 40 miles or so to Southside and I didn't get there until 5:30. As I past the front of the store, I saw people were still inside.

I parked the bike and walked to the front door. I met a lady on her way out of the store. I explained my situation to her and while she listened patiently, she sent me packing; politely, but packing nonetheless. She told me the Motorclothes girls were gone and the stamp was locked up. However, she graciously (tongue in cheek) offered their assistance on Monday.

As things stood right now, I was going to have a stamp from every H-D dealer in the Commonwealth of Virginia in my HOG passport except Southside. Southside H-D just lept to the top of my Shit List. But, it was my fault not theirs, so what're you gonna do? I'll figure out something between now and next week. (I actually came up with a great solution to the problem and assuming Southside comes through, they'll be officially removed from the Shit List. I can't tell you what it is until I'm sure it works.)

Bummed out and rejected, mumbling under my breath, I made my way to the hotel to relax a little and take a shower before going to grab some dinner. As luck would have it (or good planning on my part) the local Hooters was only a mile up the road. After the shower, I headed for a cold beer at Hooters. I stopped for gas on the way and received an interesting call from Renee.

Renee and Pata in happier times

She was still in the backyard of our house when she called to tell me our Husky/Malamute mix, named Pata, (Hey he had it when we got him from the shelter. No, I don't know what it means and I'm not even entirely sure how to pronounce it.) had made the great escape and was out terrorizing the neighborhood. The other two times this has happened he had his collar on and within an hour we received a call letting us know where we could go pick him up. This time though he had backpedaled on Renee and slipped his head out of his collar. You have to understand that since shedding his undercoat for the summer, his head is about 4 inches thinner now. Anyway, he was loose and running without id. This could only be trouble.

Once Pata gets loose it's balls to the wall. He runs in a straight line as fast as he can go. No stopping to sniff, no peeing, just run like hell. So, knowing there wasn't a thing she could do, I told her not to worry about him and he'd turn up eventually. We rescued him from a shelter and as part of the deal they implanted him with a chip for identification. It was only a matter of time before he'd reappear assuming he didn't get his ass shot while foraging through the neighborhood.

This put a bit of a damper on the evening, so I visited Hooters for a beer (That's right, a single beer) and headed back to the hotel. There was a Lone Star Steakhouse next door to the hotel, so I decided to have dinner there. A couple of beers and a nice steak put an end to a pretty good day of riding, although, I have to admit, I was a little worried about the dog.

Early morning, but could have been sunrise, (if I had been there a couple of hours earlier) on the Chesapeake Bay

I awoke Sunday morning to clear skies and after wiping the dew off the bike from the 90% humidity, I got day two underway. First stop this morning was the Sea Gull Pier Restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge and Tunnel (CBBT). Of course, there's a toll to cross the CBBT and it ain't cheap. I stopped at the booth and was instructed to hand over 12 hard-earned dollars. Holy cow! I told the kind lady I was only going to the restaurant and would be returning. "Oh, I see, then it's only $12", she said. "Do I have to pay another $12 when I return", I asked. "No, not if you're only going to the restaurant", she replied. Damn, these toll booths are beginning to get on my last nerve. $12 lighter, I was off to breakfast at the Sea Gull Pier Restaurant.

My only reason for going to CBBT was to get a stamp from this damned restaurant. But, I have to admit, even the short 3 mile ride to the restaurant was pretty pleasurable riding over the water with the sun rising on my right. CBBT is almost 23 miles of bridges and tunnels crossing the Chesapeake Bay and was built without any local, state or federal tax dollars. Hell, in today's stimulus package mentality, that's pretty impressive.

The sign at the restaurant on CBBT, note the Sea Gull Pier Restaurant at the northbound entrance to the first tunnel (lower left) - It's like you're there with me

After razzing the waitresses a bit, I had a simple breakfast of 1 egg sunnyside up, ham and wheat toast. I scarfed down breakfast, snapped a few pictures, and headed for the bike to return to Virginia Beach and the other 12 or so stops planned for the day.

The Electra Glide ready to roll, looking back toward Virginia Beach from the CBBT

I jumped on the bike and headed for Frank's Truck Stop in Chesapeake, Virginia, just south of Hampton Roads. I didn't realize until Monday evening that...

I FAILED TO GET MY PASSPORT STAMPED AT THE SEA GULL PIER RESTAURANT!!! SHIIIITTTTT!!!

You have got to be kidding me. A $12 toll and no damn stamp. I am an ass! Oh well, I have an excuse to make another ride to the CBBT again sometime before November. It just means my Sea Gull Pier Restaurant stamp will cost me $24 assuming they don't raise the toll between now and then. Thank God I didn't realize I had screwed up until Monday or I would probably still be trying to beg my way back on the CBBT without having to pay another $12.

There isn't much to say about Frank's Truck Stop except that I got my stamp. From there it was on to Smithfield Station (one of the stops I skipped, along with Frank's, on Saturday when I was trying to get to the Harley dealers.) Smithfield Station is a nice restaurant and inn right on a tributary to the James River. It was a really pretty place that I'll have to visit again with Renee. Another stamp and I was on my way, still oblivious to my failed CBBT stamp.

Smithfield Station - I wanted my friends in LA (Lower Alabama) to see we have spectacular river fronts and views here in Virginia too

Another view of the river in Smithfield

From Smithfield Station it was back up to the Hampton Roads and Newport News area to collect a series of stamps. First stop was the Newport News Visitor Center where I was pleasantly greeted by the two ladies working the desk. I think they were just bored out of their minds on a Sunday morning, but we chatted for few minutes, I got my stamp and off I went none the worse for wear.

It was the next three stops that led me to the Virginia promised land. I can understand why the area around Yorktown, Jamestown and Williamsburg was settled 400-plus years ago. Yorktown was terrific. Small, quaint, and it had a nice little beach on the York River that was pretty nice. And, the best part, right across the street from the beach was the Yorktown Pub. This is the perfect spot for Renee and me. She can lay on the beach and I can sit in the barstool across the street.

The beach at Yorktown

And equally impressive, the Yorktown Pub across the street from the beach

I parked the bike in the, get this, FREE, parking garage and wandered off to find my three stops in Yorktown, all within easy walking distance. First stop, Historic Yorktown, which I expected to find in an ancient old building, but instead turned out to be the local Baskin-Robbins ice cream parlor. Still, I got my stamp and headed to the next stop, the Riverwalk Restaurant and Rivah Cafe.

The schooner Alliance pulling away from the dock in Yorktown

It was only about 11 AM at this time and the restaurant wasn't open yet, but the gift shop next door was. So, the lady in the gift shop peaked into the restaurant and saw people inside. She unlocked the door separating the two and sent me in to collect my stamp. Now that's service. Take note Southside H-D.

The Riverwalk area in Yorktown

And, like all good plans, this series of stops saved the best for last. You guessed it. The third stop in Yorktown was the Yorktown Pub. They had just opened and still there were already 8 or 10 customers who beat me into the place. I had a cold cream ale and talked with the waitresses who were gearing up for a busy day. From there it was on to a few more stops as I started making my way back to Northern Virginia and the bustling city of Haymarket.

I had three stops left. Two of them were good for stamps and one was just 'cause. The "just 'cause" stop was first on the list, Revolutionary Harley-Davidson. Remember my comment about only buying t-shirts if the named sounded good. This name sounded good. Too bad their t-shirts and decals sucked. It was a strike out.

Next stop was Berret's Seafood Restaurant and Taphouse Grill in Williamsburg. Since it was lunch time, I considered grabbing a seat at the bar in Berret's and having some lunch. But, when I walked up to the Hostess stand the guy there was so snobby about stamping my passport, I decided to say, "Screw it" and rode out. I guess he didn't want "my kind" in his restaurant. Not sure and don't care! Well, apparently I do care, but I'm over it, maybe.

I did ride around Williamsburg a bit and snapped a couple of pictures from the bike.

The fort area in Williamsburg from the seat of the bike on a slow roll

From Old Williamsburg it was off to New Williamsburg and the Prime Outlet Mall for the last stamp of the trip. I rode into the mall and found the food court and guest services so I could collect that last stamp of the day. Mission accomplished it was on the bike and I-64 west back to Richmond. I circled Richmond to the north on I-295 and jumped off at US-33 to take the path less traveled back home.

I chose this route because I couldn't resist passing through Bumpass, Virginia. What a great name! I'm going to have to find out how that place got its name. Anyway, Buckner Road to Pottiesville Road (I swear I'm not making these names up) and then Kentucky Springs Road, along Lake Anna, dumped me onto US-522 where I turned north. I made a quick stop for a bag of Doritos and a Gatorade and then made a beeline for home. I still had a missing dog to deal with.

That story ends on a positive note, unless you're Renee and can't stand the dog. We got a call Sunday afternoon letting us know he was at the county animal shelter. I was able to pick him up on Monday and he's back home tormenting Renee all over again.

Long story made just a little bit longer: Great weekend ride of slightly more than 600 miles. Lots of fun and very refreshing to get out and ride even though Pata's excursion added a little stress into it. But, all's well that ends well.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Hooters Run to Biketoberfest

The following is an excerpt of the article I wrote for Bikernet.com about one of our rides from Texas to Daytona Beach for Biketoberfest in October 2005. Check out www.bikernet.com for more ride stories and great information about the motorcycle industry and protecting our rights and freedoms as bikers and Americans.

Hooters Run to Biketoberfest

Some 3,126 miles later I arrived home already wondering when the next ride will begin. This ride was necessitated by a visit to Biketoberfest in Daytona Beach, Florida. And since the basic characteristics of a good ride do not include the most direct route, this one was no exception. It involved a 700-plus mile first day through central Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama; a 400 mile second day down to central Florida where we “worked” for a few days; and finally a 150-mile run to Daytona Beach to experience an evening of Biketoberfest.

The return trip was stretched into 3 days, but covered almost 2000 miles.

It required a run up the western portion of Georgia; a stretch across southern Tennessee before cutting down through northwestern Mississippi; catching a small portion of extreme southwest Arkansas; then hauling ass through the middle of Louisiana and back to Texas. While not the finest ride I’ve ever put together, it certainly qualified as a good one.

Here's how it all went down. I started out early on a Saturday morning and met my riding partner, Jerry, in Crosby, Texas at 6:00 AM. We gassed up and headed out, but needed to make one quick stop at Jerry’s because he thought he forgot to lock his front door. After ensuring the security of his humble abode, we made tracks for Alabama. The planned route took us through southeastern Texas; crossing into Louisiana at Burr Ferry; through Alexandria and on to Natchez, Mississippi where we picked up US-84 all the way to Dothan, Alabama.

Southeastern Texas and western Louisiana were still showing the effects of Hurricane Rita. It was interesting to see where the eye of the storm crossed. You could tell because of the direction of the fallen trees. As we approached the areas hardest hit by the storm, the trees were uprooted and laying with the roots to the north and the tops to the south. As you progressed, the direction began to take on an east to west angle indicating this would have been where the eye crossed. Finally, once past the path of the eye, the trees fell in a south to north direction.

We made a stop at Renegade Harley-Davidson in Alexandria, Louisiana. I figured a Harley dealer with a name like “Renegade” must have some bad-ass tee shirts available. Apparently, we arrived just after a big sale. The t-shirt selection was sparse. Jerry managed to find one to his liking, but it was a wasted stop for me. Oh well, a .500 batting average in baseball would be considered exceptional.

I believe every love bug in the United States must come from the Catahoula National Wildlife Refuge northeast of Alexandria because we plastered the windshields, headlights, fenders, highway bars, pants legs, etc. with thousands of them. Strangely enough, once we passed through that area, the bug problem was non-existent. We still returned home with bugs from eight states caked to the bikes, but we never encountered another bug infestation the likes of Catahoula.

We picked up US-84 about 35 miles west of Natchez, Mississippi and it became our road of choice for the rest of the day. Crossing Mississippi was much like our run through Texas and western Louisiana, but this time it was Hurricane Katrina that left the calling card. As we approached Laurel, Mississippi, we again got a good idea of the power and path of the storm. The path of the fallen trees matched what we had seen earlier.

Typically, I would take state highways and small back roads, but we needed to make it to Dothan and I figured US-84 would help us make better time. Considering that I-10 was our alternative for a fast route, US-84 worked out just fine. Several stretches of 84 are four-lane and most of the two-lane sections usually have a passing lane every few miles.

The ride across Mississippi and Alabama was uneventful except for one minor episode where I had a brain fart and almost wound up a hood ornament.

We were cruising through a rural section in western Alabama. As we topped a hill, I saw a slow moving car ahead, but misjudged just how slow it was moving. As I got closer, I realized they weren’t moving at all, and I was running about 75 mph. I hit the brakes initially, but quickly grasped the notion that there was no way I was going to stop. So, instead, I twisted the throttle and began to pass to the left.

I already knew no one was approaching from the other direction, so passing the slower car should have been routine. Unfortunately, just as I got about two car lengths from him, I noticed his left turn signal flashing; uh-oh! I ripped the throttle to the stop, slid to the left side of the lane, and slipped just past his front bumper as he made his turn. I think he was totally oblivious of me until he heard and felt the roar of my pipes as I brushed past him.

I don’t know who it scared more; me or him. Actually, it really didn’t scare me much. I was committed to the left of him and I was either going to make it or not. There wasn’t any time to contemplate hitting him or getting hit by him. Afterwards, Jerry and I talked about it and neither of us ever saw brakes lights or a turn signal until we were right on him. It was in the afternoon and I can only guess that the angle of the sun made it impossible to see his taillights. Either way, I lived to see another day and put a few more miles under my butt.

The only other incident that day occurred about 45 minutes out of Dothan when some kid in a tiny, foreign, piece of shit car decided to honk, no make that “beep”, his horn at Jerry as we were leaving a traffic light. By that time we had been on the road about 16 hours and the last thing either of us was in the mood for was some pimple-faced kid being a smart ass.

We hit the brakes immediately, dismounted and moseyed back to teach the kid some manners.

After assuring him that if he ever beeped that pussy horn of his at a biker again, he’d hear that noise every time he farted, we were on our way.

I seem to plan my rides with Jerry around stops at Hooters. We’ve visited a bunch of Hooters all around the U.S. That was the reason for Dothan being our destination. It was the closest Hooters I could find on our route. For me, that wound up being a 750 mile ride; with Jerry pushing 700 miles. All those miles for a Hooters that wound up being lackluster.

I’m no super stud, but I don’t go around in tight little orange shorts and a tank top either. These girls needed to hit the gym, a lot! It seems Dothan grows ‘em a little sturdier than some of the other Hooters I’ve visited. Probably so’s they can help with the farmin’ and stuff. (I grew up in Alabama, so I can make fun of us if I want to.)

The second day of the ride we headed out of Dothan, still on US-84 to Bainbridge, Georgia. We made our way to Tallahassee by way of some back roads out of Bainbridge. Our ultimate goal was to get on US-19 in Drifton, Florida and take it south to Spring Hill, Florida. I know, if you look at a map, there was really no reason to go through Tallahassee. Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. There’s a Hooters in Tallahassee and we arrived there at 11:30 AM, just in time for lunch; one would think.

As we entered the front door we were greeted with not the usual, “Welcome to Hooters”, but instead with, “We don’t open until noon, guys.” We were faced with a 30 minute wait or to continue down the road. We’ve been to this Hooters a few times and knew the girls would be cute, but 30 minutes of down time; no way! We were off again with what amounted to two failed Hooters attempts in less than 24 hours. This was getting depressing.

Our hotel reservations for the week were in Lakeland, Florida. This would give us easy access to our clients in Orlando and Bartow. But, our interim destination was Spring Hill. Why Spring Hill, you might ask?

You guessed it. There’s another Hooters there!

We made great time on the ride down US-19 to Spring Hill. Since we had skipped lunch and Spring Hill was another 200 miles down the road from Tallahassee, we were more than ready for the next Hooters stop. I missed the Spring Hill Hooters initially. I think it was because I had some psycho woman in a mini-van trying to run me over at about the same time we passed it. So, it took us an extra 20 minutes to realize we missed it, turn around and make our way back. I couldn’t possibly screw up three Hooters stops in a row, could I?

Yep! The girls were fine, but the food was awful. And, as luck would have it, our waitress’ boyfriend was there, so she couldn’t be bothered with a couple of grungy bikers. After some really bad wings, (I know, how can Hooters screw up wings?) pouring our own beer all through lunch, and enduring the Tampa Bay versus Miami game on TV (Spring Hill is only about 40 miles north of Tampa), we decided to make a run for our final destination.

I had us booked into a hotel that was walking distance to the Lakeland Hooters. We just had to walk through the McDonald’s parking lot and bodda-boom, bodda-bing, we were there. Great planning, if I do say so myself. But, as they say, “the best laid plans of mice and men”.

When we arrived at our hotel in Lakeland, we were informed that the hotel was experiencing difficulties with their high-speed internet access and that if we needed to use it, it worked best in the lobby. This wasn’t going to work for us because we both need internet access to effectively do our work and keep up with Bikernet, but we thought we’d give it a try. So we checked in and after a short break to clean up and relax a little, we made the hike over to Hooters.

We’ve strolled through the Lakeland Hooters doors several times before while working in the area. We knew we could count on them to redeem the Hooters experience. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out as well as we would have liked. Somehow we managed to get another inattentive waitress. The food was good, but the service left something to be desired. Just as we were about to give up on Hooters, we decided to pay our tab and go sit at the bar where the bartender seemed to be having a good time. That move saved the day. The bartender was excellent. She made sure everyone at the bar was having fun and provided great service. Our faith in Hooters was renewed.

Jerry "working" at Hooters with a little help from his friends.

We made an attempt to utilize the high-speed internet access at the hotel, but access proved to be shaky at best. I called and talked to the manager who asked us to give them a little more time to get things straightened out. The situation still hadn’t improved by 11:00 AM the next day, so we moved on.

The decision to move was a pain because we had shipped our business clothes to the hotel so we wouldn’t have to pack them on the bikes. Now we had to transfer hotels and lug all of that crap between the two. By the time we pulled out of the parking lot of the first hotel, we looked like a couple of gypsy bikers lugging everything we owned.

We had meetings scheduled in Orlando, Monday afternoon, so we headed that way shortly after getting settled in at the new hotel. We rode to Orlando in our business clothes. I felt like a real dumbass as we passed three other bikers, who were in proper riding gear, and here we were riding along in our dress pants and shirts. Luckily, Jerry was smart enough to suggest we take a change of clothes for the trip back. After our meeting, we headed over to a nearby bar and changed into our riding clothes; enjoyed a couple of cold beers; then rolled back to Lakeland. This put us on I-4 right about 5:30 PM. Just in time for rush hour.

We made great time getting back to Lakeland thanks to some nifty riding by both of us. Jerry took the lead and when we found ourselves in traffic that prevented us riding together, we would take different lanes and just work our way through independently. This worked out great and we never found ourselves separated by more than a car or two at any given time. We made the 50 mile ride back to Lakeland in about 45 minutes. If you’ve ever been on I-4 at 5:30 in the evening you can appreciate that feat.

By Tuesday, the news was full of reports on Hurricane Wilma and the expectation that she was on a direct path towards us. We planned a run to Daytona Beach for Biketoberfest on Friday and it appeared Wilma was going to squash that notion. I planned an evacuation route for us that kept us off of the interstates and made additional hotel reservations, just in case. Since Jerry and I both were in Houston during the evacuation for Hurricane Rita, the last thing I wanted was to get trapped in miles of bumper-to-bumper traffic escaping Florida.

Hurricane Wilma decided to stall over the Yucatan and batter Mexico for a couple of days. This meant she wasn’t arriving in Florida until Monday of the next week, so we were able to switch to Plan A and hit Biketoberfest. Our hotel for Friday night was just north of Daytona Beach. We could have taken I-4 to I-95 and made the 150 mile run in less than three hours, but I took back roads and turned it into about a 3 1/2 hour ride. It wasn’t bad except for a few miles where we had to pass through the suburbs of northwest Orlando.

We checked into the hotel and unloaded our gear. As we reached the top of the stairs we were greeted by a wild-eyed rottweiler barking insanely at us through the window of his hotel room, which coincidentally, was right next door to us. We attempted to relax a little before leaving for Daytona, but that dog barked incessantly the whole time we were there. It made us a little leery about what we could expect all night long, but what the hell. We just jumped on the bikes and got our Friday night party started.

We only had one night in Daytona Beach, but it was worth it. I’ve been to Bike Week a couple of times and Biketoberfest is a scaled-down bike week, with a lot fewer people. A night of drinking, eating, looking at beer tub girls, and drinking, checking out accessories and looking at more beer tub girls, and drinking, eating some more, and looking at beer tub girls does a fellow good. I highly recommend it.

We bypassed Destination Daytona, even though that was the main attraction for Biketoberfest. It was packed and we didn’t want to waste a lot of time sitting in lines, etc. Instead, we made our way to the Broken Spoke Saloon in Ormond Beach.

The Spoke is one of the bars we always hit when we go to Bike Week. It’s one of our favorites.

It was still pretty early in the evening so action was slow. We wandered around and took a look at the various vendors. We made a mental note to pick up some cold weather gloves, since by now we knew we were going to be heading into chilly weather on the way back.

We left the Spoke and headed in to Main Street to see what was happening. We wandered up and down Main Street and ultimately landed in Harry’s Outback. Harry’s Outback usually has a good band and great beer tub girls. They didn’t disappoint at Biketoberfest (most of the beer tub girls pictured here were at Harry's). We had some dinner and enjoyed the sights and sounds for a couple of hours.

Since the Spoke was right on our way back to the hotel we decided another stop there would do us some good. By this time, things were rockin’ and we killed a little more time. We even managed to remember to buy the gloves we had looked at earlier. We made one more stop at the local Waffle House for a good old fashioned greasy spoon breakfast in the early morning hours before heading back to the hotel. Where, surprisingly, the dog next door had settled down and we didn’t hear a single bark out of him all night.

Saturday morning arrived and it was time to head back to Texas. Again, if you look at a map, you’ll notice that Chattanooga, Tennessee really isn't on the way from Daytona Beach to Houston. However, Chattanooga was that night's destination because, you guessed it again; the best Hooters we've ever visited is in Chattanooga. I figured we might as well work in a visit while we were in the area. Hell, it couldn't be more than a few hundred miles out of our way.

I had a pretty good back roads route worked out that would get us to Chattanooga and take us through, or near, a couple of interesting stops. Unfortunately, one of the “short cuts” I picked turned out to be more of a challenge than I expected. Even though I knew some parts of the road were "unpaved”, I chose to take this route anyway.

It was only 7 miles; how bad could it be?

Shit! For anyone who knows northeast Florida and extreme southern Georgia, you’ll know what I mean when I say the road wasn’t dirt, it was sand! I almost dropped my bike in the first quarter of a mile and looked back in my mirror just in time to see Jerry go down. Smart men would have turned around right there and backtracked to the main highway. The “smart men” element didn’t exist for Jerry and me. We were, “gonna beat this goddamn road!”

Time for a break after about 30 minutes of sand and dirt.

Seven miles and almost an hour later we found ourselves worn out and at the edge of the highway. Seven miles of slipping and sliding, bumping and bouncing, rockin’ and rollin’, and we had reached our goal. But, we didn’t drop a bike again! We taught that road a serious lesson! And, lost a good 30 to 40 minutes of time. The shortest distance between two points may be a straight line, but it isn’t always the fastest. “Smart men”; I gotta bring a couple of those along next time.

About half way and more sand and dirt to look forward to.

On the upside, we made it to Valdosta, Georgia about 1:00 PM and had some lunch at Hooters. This time the Hooters girls were very friendly, and mostly cute, and the food was pretty good. Unfortunately, we were way behind schedule and needed to make up some time. This meant we would have to skip the next scheduled Hooters stop in Albany and ditch the plan to stop and visit the Andersonville National Historic Site.

Andersonville was the site of one of the worst POW camps during the Civil War. I hated to miss seeing it, but there just wasn’t enough time. Too many men suffered and died there to allow it only a few minutes of my time. I hope to get the chance to visit it in the future and give it the respect it deserves.

By the time we made it to Newnan, Georgia, it was obvious we were making terrible time. It was also obvious that we had passed through the first of two cold fronts we knew were making their way south. The weather was turning colder and we were still 150 miles from Chattanooga. We were forced to make the dreadful decision to jump on the interstates and get there as fast as we could. Not to mention skip a stop at the Hooters in Newnan.

This meant taking I-85 into the suburbs of Atlanta, sneaking around the west side on I-285 and then making a beeline for Chattanooga on I-75. All was well initially on I-85. We cruised along at 80 mph until we reached I-285 where the exit was closed due to construction. This required a relatively painless detour and ultimately, we found ourselves headed in the right direction on I-285.

Of course, I was bitching the whole way. I hate riding on interstates!

We made it several miles north on I-75 before pulling off the interstate and thawing out. The temperature continued to drop as we rode further north. We made one more thawing stop close to Chattanooga and ultimately arrived at our hotel which just happened to be less than two miles from Hooters.

The Hooters in Chattanooga on Brainerd Road is my all-time favorite. Every girl is gorgeous, friendly and I haven’t had a bad meal there yet. They didn’t let us down. Auburn was playing LSU and the White Sox were beginning their sweep of the Astros (Sorry, Houston fans). The bartender, Ashley, took terrific care of us. She just couldn’t believe we had gone hundreds of miles out of our way just to visit her Hooters (pun intended). It turned out to be a great night of sports, beer, and babes.

We woke up Sunday morning to sunny skies, but some very chilly air. Luckily, we were able to sleep in that morning because within about 30 minutes of our departure we were going to gain an hour by crossing into the Central Time Zone. This gave us the opportunity to let things warm up before heading out.

I entered the breakfast room at the hotel to grab a quick bite and some hot coffee. It was full of normal people, but there was one little boy who was fascinated by the chaps and leather jacket I was wearing. He was too scared to talk to me directly, but I noticed him asking his dad about me. I went over and talked to him a little and explained that the chaps helped keep me warm and provided a little protection for my legs. He was peering out the window as I rode off. Perhaps he was a biker in the making!

The ride west out of Chattanooga on I-24 is one of the few interstate rides I enjoy. It’s a great stretch of road in the Tennessee hills. Thank goodness, because there isn’t any better way to peel out of Chattanooga to the west. Even though I like that stretch of I-24, I still had us exiting as soon as possible and hitting TN-156. TN-156 parallels I-24 to the northwest, but is an excellent road. It’s full of twisties and rambling turns as we climbed into and out of the hills. A mist, similar to what you see in the Great Smokey Mountains greeted us as we ascended and descended the hills.

Eventually, we tee-boned into US-41A and followed it into Winchester, Tennessee. From Winchester, we took TN- 50 west a few miles to Mansford Road. Again, Mansford Road was a picturesque narrow road running through Tims Ford State Park and along the Tims Ford Lake. There was minimum traffic and the road was full of gentle curves and rolling hills.

Jack Daniels distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee.

Mansford Road dumped us out on TN-55 just north of our intended first stop, the Jack Daniels’ Distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee. As you have probably guessed by now, we really didn’t have time to take the tour of the distillery. But, we did get to stop and snap a few pictures of the grounds and give our butts a short break. Lynchburg hosted the Jack Daniels’ Bar-B- Q Championships just before our visit, so most of the masses left town by the time we arrived. I didn’t see much of it, but Lynchburg seemed to be a cool little town. Sorry Bandit, it was Sunday and the county is dry, so I couldn’t grab you a bottle.

Our second Tennessee stop was scheduled to be Lawrenceburg; one time home of Davey Crockett. We took TN-129 out of Lynchburg. TN-129 didn’t disappoint either. Again, it was a great run of about 30 miles of very limited traffic, sweeping curves and rolling hills. This was my way of running cross country. I loved it and wound up getting a terrific shot of Jerry cruising down a hill and through the trees. This was one of my favorite stretches of road, Too bad it didn’t go all the way across Tennessee. I don’t think I would have left it, if it had.

Jerry cruising down TN-129.

TN-129 led us to US-31A and US-31A took us into Pulaski. We picked up US-64 in Pulaski and on into Lawrenceburg. The town square in Lawrenceburg contains a picturesque pavilion and statue of David Crockett. I could have sworn that I read somewhere that there was an old cabin of Davey’s just off the town square, but I must have been wrong. The best we could do was find the Old Jail Museum about two blocks away.

We decided to grab lunch in Lawrenceburg. Since there wasnt a Hooters in town we picked the Catfish Dock Company Restaurant. Man, the hush puppies were really good. I had the fried catfish and Jerry tried the bar-b-q pork chops. We both had a dynamite meal and headed out to make our way on down the road.

As soon as we stepped out of the restaurant we faced the second front, the icy one. It was apparent it was making its way into Lawrenceburg. The clouds had rolled in and the wind was blowing strong from the west. We bundled up, turned the bikes directly into that biting wind and pounded on toward Adamsville. It got colder with every mile. Luckily, we managed to avoid any serious rain. There was a heavy mist in the air, but we never experienced anything more than a few drops of rain at any one time.

The bikes in front of the Buford T. Pusser Memorial Park.

Our third stop on this wintry looking day was Adamsville. Adamsville is the home town of Buford T. Pusser, the sheriff of “Walking Tall” fame. His home is now a museum dedicated to his memory. We made a quick visit and snapped a picture of the bikes in front of the Buford Pusser Memorial Park then turned back to the east to our next destination, the Shiloh National Military Park.

Shiloh is the location of one of the bloodiest battles in the western theatre of the Civil War. More than 20,000 men were killed or wounded during the two-day battle there. It was a major victory for Ulysses Grant even though he was on the verge of defeat before reinforcements entered the picture late on the first day.

The park spreads out over hundreds of acres. Needless to say, time didn’t allow us the opportunity to fully explore the park or even follow the entire tour route. We did get a chance to dismount, take a few pictures, and prepare ourselves for the final push to Memphis. This is another park that I would like to visit again. Like Gettysburg, it helps to understand the flow of the battle. With this knowledge, you can almost bring the battle to life as you wander around the battlefield.

Jerry riding past the cannon in Shiloh National Military Park.

Our run from Shiloh to Memphis was by way of TN-57. A few miles east of Pocahontas, Tennessee, Jerry found himself with a flatbed wrecker on his tail. We were running 70 to 75 mph at the time, so it seemed odd that we weren’t moving fast enough for the wrecker. Eventually, I saw him begin passing Jerry and I backed off the throttle to allow him to get in front of me also. As he passed, I decided if he could run 80, so could we. We fell in behind the wrecker and off we went.

We didn’t rumble more than a few miles before we realized why the wrecker was in such a hurry. As we approached the top of a hill, one of the local volunteers held us back while the wrecker proceeded to assist in clearing an accident. We looked down the embankment to our right and saw a small compact car sitting sideways in the trees, missing a front fender and dangling the front bumper.

According to our traffic control volunteer, the old lady driving the car had either fallen asleep or blacked out just as she approached an on-coming pickup pulling a travel trailer. She crossed the centerline, barely clipped the rear bumper of the pickup and smashed into the side of the travel trailer. As best as I could tell, she must have slid to the edge of the highway and down the embankment without rolling. By the time we arrived, they had loaded her in the ambulance and were transporting her to a local hospital. The trailer was still hooked to the hitch, so the people in the pickup must have gotten one hell of a jolt when she hit it.

We made another stop in Collierville, at the local Wal-Mart, to pick up some warmer clothes. We anticipated a brisk morning on Monday and figured we’d better be prepared. Not to mention, night was falling and it was already pretty damn cold. We seem to find ourselves hitting a Wal-Mart on almost every trip we take in the fall. This one was no exception.

Memphis presented us with another Hooters stop for dinner. As luck would have it, the Sunday night NFL game had been played earlier due to Hurricane Wilma and the only thing on was the Astros-White Sox, Game 2 of the World Series. We were able to watch a good chunk of the game and left with the Astros leading. It wasn’t until we arrived at our hotel at the Grand Casino in Tunica, Mississippi that we found out the White Sox had won with a walk off homer in the bottom of the ninth inning.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot the Hooters critique. Our waitress, Heather, was new, but very pretty and friendly. There weren’t many customers in the store, so it made it easy to grab good service. The food was good too, so all in all, the Memphis Hooters scored pretty well on our scale.

When I made reservations at the Grand Casino Hotel, the intent was to get there and enjoy drinks and gambling. However, we spent too much time watching the Astros game and arrived later than we would have liked. We decided to pass on the casino and just get a good night’s rest. We were already aware that Monday was going to start out cold and we had almost 600 miles back to Houston.

The morning temperature lived up to our expectations. It was in the upper 30s, but at least the sun was shining brightly. We pulled out of the hotel (They allowed us to park the bikes right by the front doors. Damn nice, I must say.) and headed south on US-61 toward Greenville, Mississippi. We started the morning out right with a 95 mile run to Cleveland, Mississippi where we stopped for breakfast.

We left Cleveland and continued to Leland where we picked up US-82 and headed into Arkansas. Northwestern Mississippi, southeastern Arkansas and northeastern Louisiana must produce a huge portion of the country’s cotton crop. We passed one cotton field after another, most of them recently picked. Tractor-trailer-sized bales of cotton sat waiting to be taken to the gins. Jerry even picked up some of the cotton on the side of the road as a souvenir.

Our stint in Arkansas was less than 50 miles, but it added another state to the trip making it eight states in all. We took US-165 south into Louisiana and arrived in West Monroe about 1:00 PM. Just in time for lunch and, what a coincidence, there was a Hooters just a couple of miles down the interstate. Again, it was sparsely populated given that the lunch hour had passed, so we got a tasty lunch and fine-looking service. Our waitress was a self-proclaimed biker chick, so she enjoyed hearing about our trip and checking out the bikes.

After lunch we made a charge for Alexandria and Renegade Harley-Davidson again. Jerry noticed the night before that his Road King was running a low on oil, so he wanted to see about adding a quart of synthetic as soon as he could. We knew Renegade was open on Monday, since the sales girl the previous weekend had encouraged us to return on Monday and check out the new shipment of tee-shirts due to arrive. As it turned out, we could have stopped a Bleu Bayou Harley-Davidson in Monroe. They’re also open on Monday, but I didn’t figure that out until I was back in Houston.

Jerry snagged his quart of oil and I found a tee-shirt to add to my collection, so the stop at Renegade was worthwhile. It was right on our way and didn’t take too long. However, we were still racing the sun. I was hoping to make it to I-10 before sunset and it was already pushing 5:00 PM. I-10 sat 85 miles south of us on what would mostly be two-lane highway passing through several small towns.

Our circuitous route from Texas to Florida and back.

Needless to say, any time we weren’t in town, we pushed the bikes hard. Passing wasn’t a problem as there was usually a clear line of sight and little traffic. We made good time and reached I-10 just after the sun had dipped below the western horizon.

I really hate I-10 across Louisiana.

But, if you’re trying to make up time and traveling from the east to southeast Texas, there’s really no better way to go. We took a quick break at the first exit on I-10; then began the mad dash to Texas. We had about 70 miles to Beaumont, Texas and knew from previous trips that we could get a hot bowl of seafood gumbo and a cold beer at the Papadeaux Seafood Kitchen there.

Other than getting the hell beat out of us by the constant bumps and humps of I-10, the ride across southwest Louisiana was uneventful. As is always the case, I let out a quick “yeehaw” as I crossed back into Texas. I’ve lived in Texas for almost 23 years and I really love this state. It always feels good to return to Texas!

We made our gumbo and beer stop and topped off the tanks. At this point, Jerry was 60 miles from home and I was 110. We agreed that if I followed him off the freeway when he exited, we’d stop for a quick break, but if not, we’d see each other the next day at work. I decided to stay in the saddle and make a break for home. I made it to the house in about an hour and 40 minutes non-stop.

Like I said, we’ve had better trips, but I’d rather spend a day in the saddle than doing much anything else. The trip was just another one to add to the collection. We’ve done the trip over to Florida just about every way there is to do it. Now it’s time to go north or west, so I guess I need to get to work on a Sturgis trip, a Laughlin River Run, a Las Vegas Bike Fest, or something like that.

In Pursuit of Bandit

The following is an excerpt of the article I wrote for Bikernet.com about my ride from Texas to California in January 2006. The purpose of the ride, other than to just ride, was to meet K. Randall Ball, "Bandit". The owner and editor of Bikernet.com. Check out www.bikernet.com for more ride stories and great information about the motorcycle industry and protecting our rights and freedoms as bikers and Americans.

In Pursuit of Bandit

I found myself between jobs. The company I worked for the past 4 years was closing down at the end of the year and my new job wasn’t scheduled to start until February. It would require us to move from Texas to Virginia, but that’s what you do sometimes to pay the bills. Preparations needed to be made; secondary housing in VA, a house to sell in Houston, etc. So naturally, the first thing that popped into my head was, “ROAD TRIP!!!”

In mid-December, I informed my wife that I was going to ride out to California. She did what most wives do in that scenario, laughed at her crazy husband. By Christmas she realized I was serious and then did the next thing wives are so good at, she began the inquisition to find out why I was going. I tried to explain my rationale for more than thirty minutes, but after all that talking, she still didn’t understand why I was going.

It fell into the category of “If I have to explain, you wouldn’t understand.”

I decided I use the trip as an excuse to track down the infamous Bandit. It was rumored he was in Texas as recently as November. That was enough to lure me down to Galveston to see if I could pick up his trail. Folks in Galveston said he was going back out west, but to be sure, I mounted up with the intent of checking every town of ill-repute between Galveston and the Pacific. If there was a shit-hole between here and there, Bandit was likely to have been there, and with a little luck, he might still be holed up in one of them.

The trip from Galveston to Houston didn’t uncover any new facts. I knew The Devil in Houston would know something, but he wasn’t likely to give up any information on Bandit. I decided to check out San Antonio instead. There were plenty of possibilities there given the margaritas and cerveza available in that city. Maybe someone came across this Bandit character there. I was determined to track his ass down.

Day One

My early morning departure from Houston was greeted with a dense fog. The fog was thick across the Brazos River and hung tough until I cleared the Colorado River valley 75 miles west of Houston. I pulled off at Ms Molly’s in Glidden to dry off. I decided to see if Ms Molly could shed some light on Bandit’s whereabouts. She blushed at the mention of his name. I’m sure she knew something, but she wasn’t letting on. I thanked her for her hospitality and left.

I arrived in San Antonio around 11 in the morning. By that time, the sky was clear and the sun was shining brightly. I rode my trusty Fatboy into the heart of town and parked near the Alamo. The city was bustling.

It takes a strong imagination to picture the Missión San Antonio de Valero (the Alamo) of 1836. The battle at the Alamo really began in December of 1835 when Ben Milam led Texian and Tejano volunteers against Mexican troops there. Milam and company were successful in ousting the Mexican troops and took control of the city and the Alamo.

It was February 1836 when a group of 189 men held their ground against the army of thousands led by Santa Anna. The initial siege lasted 13 days and on March 6, 1836, the Mexican Army stormed the Alamo in a pre-dawn attack. The defenders of the Alamo drove back the first two assaults, but by the third, the Mexican Army successfully breached the walls. Fierce fighting broke out inside the walls of the Alamo, but the defenders were not able to overcome the dramatic numbers of the Mexican Army.

By sunrise the battle was over and everyone inside the Alamo, with the exception of women, children and one male slave, were killed. Great men, such as Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie and William Travis met their fate at the Alamo. This place remains hallowed ground in Texas and it’s difficult to visit it without gaining a sense of pride and inspiration from the effort put forth there.

Santa Anna was defeated in April at the Battle of San Jacinto and Texas claimed its independence from Mexico. Later that same year the constitution of the Republic of Texas was approved by voters and Sam Houston was elected President. I’m a proud Texan who wasn’t born here, but got here as fast as I could. The defenders of the Alamo were made up of men from all over the eastern US and several countries. So, while it may be great to be a Native Texan, it’s damned good being an immigrant Texan, too.

I asked around about Bandit. This was the type of town he’d want to visit. It’s full of history and the location of one of the bravest stands made in battle. It’s the spot where men died in their pursuit of freedom. I know that’s something Bandit believes in, Freedom. Even if he wasn’t here now, he’s probably been here before. The town folks knew of him, but they hadn’t seen him recently. Most suggested I continue west and pointed guns in my direction. Women wept. I thanked them kindly and mounted up.

After a quick lunch at Hooters, I tore out of San Antonio on Highway 90 passing south of the Texas Hill Country and through one ranch after another. My sights were set on Langtry, the home of Judge Roy Bean and the Law West of the Pecos. I knew I could get information about Bandit there. It wasn’t likely Bandit could have passed through this area without the Judge finding out about it. The trick was to find out without getting shot.

I followed the trail blazed by the Whiting-Smith Expedition back in 1849. Their expedition was charged with finding a route to California. The first section of the route became the San Antonio-El Paso Road. It was the route Bandit would take. Rugged and unforgiving, it crossed the Devils and Pecos Rivers, and traversed the scorching Chihuahuan Desert. The kind of territory Bandit would love.

I crossed the Pecos River between Comstock and Langtry. This is one of my favorite spots on US-90 in southwest Texas. The bridge sits high above the river as it slices its way to the Rio Grande.

Langtry was Bandit’s kind of town and Judge Roy Bean was Bandit’s kind of man. In 1882, the Galveston, Harrisburg and San Antonio Railroad hired crews to link San Antonio with El Paso.

The route crossed 530 miles of sweltering Chihuahuan Desert, infested with bobcats, rattlesnakes and scorpions.

Roy left San Antonio and headed west to become a saloonkeeper. County Commissioners later appointed Roy Justice of the Peace. He accepted and moved to Langtry. The town was named for a railroad boss who ran the tracks through the town. However, the name also happened to belong to a beautiful British actress, Lillie Langtry. Roy was infatuated with her even though he never met her. He built a small saloon and named it the Jersey Lilly in honor of her. He posted a sign on the front of the saloon that read “Judge Roy Bean, Justice of the Peace, Law West of the Pecos”. It was from the front porch of his saloon that Judge Roy Bean proffered his unique style of justice.

In 1903, Roy died in his sleep in Del Rio after a drinking binge. Unfortunately, he never got the chance to meet Miss Langtry. A few months after his death, she visited Langtry and listened to story after story about Judge Roy Bean from the locals. She described her visit as short, but unforgettable.

After wandering around Langtry for a while it was obvious that Bandit would have loved it here, but there was no sign of him in the area. But there were disgruntled women and downright angry men. It was time to move on and continue my search. There were plenty more places between Langtry and the Pacific that needed to be explored.

I entered the Sanderson Canyon a few miles east of Sanderson, Texas. US-90 runs through the Sanderson Canyon for another 50 miles, almost to Marathon. The canyon is lined on either side by massive limestone cliffs separated by a couple of miles of flat terrain that cross various wash deposits of sand, gravel, and mud. The canyon and creek were named for Sanderson, Texas, and for the nearby railroad station that was established there in the 1880s. Like Langtry, the town and station were named in honor of a track foreman who supervised the railroad gangs in the area.

I decided Sanderson would be a good place to bed down for the night. I acquired a room at the Desert Air Motel and proceeded to the Dairy King for some Mexican food, (Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but that’s where the locals directed me for some Mexican food). After a plate of enchiladas, rice and beans, I hunkered down for the night with the intent of getting an early start in the morning. I traveled 500 miles on the first day and didn’t catch the slightest glimpse of the elusive Bandit.

Day Two

Day two opened with another beautiful, cloudless sky and a great day for riding. I left Sanderson shortly after sunrise and continued my trek west. The space between Sanderson and Marathon is a seriously lonesome stretch of highway. I can only imagine how remote is must have felt back in the 1880’s as the railroad was being laid. I decided to label this expanse “Lonely Texas” as there isn’t much there. It’s only you, the highway, and the railroad, but it has a rugged beauty to it.

A typical view in "Lonely Texas".

I passed through Marathon and Alpine on my way to Fort Davis, another Texas outpost that would be ripe for a visit from Bandit.

That bastard had to be there, somewhere, shot in the back, while sneaking in a barn to chase an old motorcycle or a young woman.

From 1854 to 1891, Fort Davis was strategically located to protect emigrants, mail coaches, and freight wagons on the Trans-Pecos portion of the San Antonio-El Paso Road and the Chihuahua Trail, and to control activities on the southern stem of the Great Comanche and Mescalero Apache War Trails. It was also home to the 24th and 25th U.S. Infantry and the 9th and 10th U.S. Cavalry, all-black regiments established after the Civil War. The Cavalry units were known as the Buffalo Soldiers.

Although relatively few American Indian tribes called the Tran-Pecos region home, Kiowas, Commanches and Apaches regularly passed through the area. Fort Davis soldiers provided escorts and protection to travelers and settlers. The fort was abandoned in the summer of 1891, but lives on today as a National Historic Site managed by the National Park Service.

My first stop in Fort Davis was the Hotel Limpia. The original “Limpia Hotel” became a private residence after the fort closed down. But, in 1912 a new Hotel Limpia was built and is still in use today. Again, this was a perfect place to look for Bandit given his penchant for the old and restored. I spoke with the hotel clerk and scanned the guest book. No entries under Bandit or KRB. Looks like I would have to keep riding. The weather was cool, but the sun was bright and the skies clear. The Fatboy didn’t blink, just kept rolling.

Given it was still morning and the day was turning out to be a beautiful southwest Texas winter day, a ride through the mountains was icing on the cake. I wasn’t far out of Fort Davis when I came upon four elk feeding in a field not far from the highway.

They were magnificent animals. They kept a close eye on me, but never spooked and allowed me to take several pictures of them. As I walked back to the bike, I noticed a huge buck striding across the meadow too. He was too far away for a decent picture, but he looked majestic as he ambled past me.

Unfortunately TX-118 northbound ultimately terminates in Kent, Texas, at Interstate 10. This section of I-10 roughly traverses the San Antonio-El Paso Road. I merged on and let it take me to my next stop, Van Horn, a major source of water on the trail back in the mid-1800’s.

I continued on to El Paso. I gained an hour as I crossed into the Mountain Time Zone a few miles west of Van Horn. It was mid-afternoon and I needed some nourishment. There’s only one place to feed when I’m on a solo road trip, so I made a stop at Hooters.

I traveled 160 miles on I-10 to El Paso and since I needed to get as far down the road as possible that day, I knew there was another 160 miles of I-10 still to go. After replenishing on wings, I reluctantly merged back onto the interstate and trudged forward to Lordsburg, New Mexico arriving shortly after sunset.

One thing this Gulf Coast boy learned was it gets damned cold in the desert when the sun goes down. The last 30 minutes of the ride that day taught me a valuable lesson about gearing up as sunset approaches. That lesson came in handy the next few days.

Another 500 miles under my Dunlop tires and the only thing I knew for sure was where Bandit wasn’t.

Day Three

Another beautiful, cloudless sky greeted me on day three. Unfortunately, it was 30 degrees when I left Lordsburg. I made it 17 miles down I-10 to my exit south on NM-80. Luckily, there was a diner at the exit and I couldn’t resist a hot cup of coffee and breakfast. I sat at the counter talking with a trucker and eating breakfast for 45 minutes in an effort to let things warm up before continuing. My destination was Tombstone, Arizona, “The Town too Tough to Die”, another town that would pull at the core of Bandit.

I mean absolutely no disrespect to Geronimo or Lieutenant Gatewood…

But I don’t know what the people of Douglas, Arizona were thinking when they designed this monument. It looks strange sticking up in the San Simon Valley of southeastern Arizona. I was a damn disappointed that an event of such importance to the Apaches and the western United States was acknowledged with this particular effigy. If there is significance to the design, they don’t mention it.

I passed through Douglas and approached Bisbee. Apparently, fate wanted me to stop in Bisbee, so it filled my bladder and brought me to a stop. Since I was wandering around town anyway, I decided to see if anyone knew anything about Bandit. Lo and behold, he was known in town. The story goes that he once considered settling down in Bisbee. The town folks said he dreamed of making a run to the border every morning for a breakfast burrito. Damn, so close, but still no contact with Bandit himself.

Bisbee Post Office.

I arrived in Tombstone late in the morning. I strolled into Big Nose Kate’s Saloon assuming it would be the place to pick up some information. The locals spoke about Bandit with the same reverence they afforded Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday. It was apparent they weren’t going to give me anything I could use to track Bandit down, but I listened intently to their stories anyway hoping I might get a scrap of information and not take a bullet in the process.

In 1877, Ed Shieffelin discovered a vein of silver near the site of Tombstone. Ed named his claim Tombstone because a soldier once told him, “You keep fooling around out there amongst them Apaches and the only rock you'll find will be your tombstone!".

The town of Tombstone was laid out in 1879. By late 1881, there were over 7,000 people in town and more gambling houses, saloons, and bordellos than any town in the southwest. It was as big as San Francisco at the time. Of course, Tombstone is best known for being the site of the infamous “Gunfight at the OK Corral”.

Throughout 1881 a feud built up between the Earps and the group known as The Cowboys. The Cowboys included men from the Clanton and McLaury clans, along with others. On October 26, 1881, Virgil Earp, the City Marshal of Tombstone, was told some of The Cowboys were in town and armed, which was against town law. He set out with his brothers Wyatt and Morgan to disarm The Cowboys. As they walked down 4th Street, they were met by Doc Holliday who insisted on joining them. The four men advanced toward the OK Corral on Fremont Street.

The gunfight actually took place in a vacant lot behind the OK Corral. In 30 seconds, three of The Cowboys, brothers Frank and Tom McLaury, and Billy Clanton lay dead. Virgil and Morgan were seriously wounded. Doc Holliday suffered a minor wound when a shot from Frank McLaury sliced through his holster and grazed his hip. Ike Clanton and Billy Claiborne were apparently unarmed and escaped death, but not without having a piece of lead or two fly their way.

The Sheriff of Cochise County, Johnny Behan, arrested the Earps and Doc Holliday for murder. They were released in a preliminary hearing when Judge Wells Spicer decided they acted within the law. Unfortunately, the story didn’t end there. Virgil Earp lost the use of his left arm when he was seriously wounded in an assassination attempt. Morgan Earp was killed while playing billiards with Wyatt in the next ambush. Witnesses say they saw Frank Stilwell running from the scene. Three days later, Stilwell was found dead. Over time several other members of The Cowboys met the same fate.

It was common belief that Wyatt was responsible for these deaths.

I rode out of Tombstone no closer to knowing Bandit’s whereabouts than when I arrived. I decided to take a slight detour and pass through Charleston, southwest of Tombstone. The Clanton ranch was near Charleston. Uncertainty still remains regarding whether the Earps were the good guys or the bad guys at the OK Corral. Maybe Bandit made a visit to the Clantons to make up his own mind. It was worth a shot.

Charleston is a ghost town now, but in its heyday, it may have been more dangerous than Tombstone. The ghost town is a mile walk from where the Charleston-Tombstone Road crosses the railroad tracks. Only a few adobe remains can be seen now, but at one time Charleston boasted four general stores, a meat market, a drug store, two restaurants, two laundries, a boarding house, a couple of hotels, and anywhere from ten to fifteen saloons. It was a happening place and home to The Cowboys.

The death of Charleston started when the mines flooded, but the final nail in the coffin was Mother Nature. In 1887, a major earthquake struck the town and 30 minutes of continuous shocks reduce the adobe structures to ruins. The town was never rebuilt. Standing there in the stillness and quiet of a perfect day you could almost hear the yips and calls of The Cowboys as they moved cattle and worked the ranch.

In an effort to avoid I-10 as long as possible, I left Charleston and passed through Sierra Vista and Huachuca City. I went west on AZ-82 to Sonoita, then turned north on AZ-83, hitting I-10 twenty miles east of Tucson. In Tucson I experienced a prime example of why I loathe riding on interstates. The first warning came from a highway sign proclaiming, “Accident Ahead 7 Miles, Freeway Closed”. “Yippee Yi Ki Ay, mother fucker” was my reaction.

Having done the proper planning, all was not lost. If I could get a little further up the road I knew there was a Hooters on the north side of Tucson. Since it was already afternoon, I figured it was time to stop for some sustenance and let the highway clear. I jumped off the freeway as soon as I saw the backup and made my way to Hooters by paralleling I-10 on surface streets.

I love it when a plan comes together.

A couple of beers, boobs, and wings later, I was back on the road having avoided the aggravation of I-10’s closure. It was getting late and I needed to get to Yuma that night. So, much to my annoyance, I hauled ass up I-10 and across I-8 stopping once for gas and once, 90 miles east of Yuma, to gear up. Did I mention it gets damned cold on the desert when the sun goes down? That last 90 miles was rolled through in the dark. But, the dark provided me with an impressive view of Yuma as I passed through the Gila Mountains and started into the valley.

Another 500-plus miles traveled and still no sign of Bandit.

The Historic Evening of January 4, 2006

I arrived at Famous Sam’s Sports Bar with a couple of minutes left in the 2nd quarter. I ordered beer and food. I sat patiently through the half-time show. It was apparent I was in a minority. The place was packed, but there were only a few of us cheering for one of the teams. We were a confident and proud group of Longhorn supporters.

With 6:42 remaining in the 4th quarter fate seemed to be against us. The Trojans took a 38 – 26 lead. A local Trojan fan began an assault on the few Longhorns in the room. It led to a bet being proposed.

Seems this Trojan fan was so certain of victory he offered 14 points to a fellow Longhorn. Each party laid $40 on the table and the bet was on. Two minutes and 39 seconds later, the Longhorns scored a touchdown putting the Trojan’s bet in serious jeopardy. In a panic, the Trojan yelled, “Yeah, but I bet the Trojans still win the game.” Being a generous Texan, my new found partner graciously allowed the Trojan to cover his first bet with a $50 bet straight up that the Trojans would pull out the victory.

Well, I think you all know by now how this story ends. With 19 seconds remaining in the game, my fellow Texan and I exploded into jubilation, jumping up and down and raising more hell than Yuma’s seen in years, as Vince Young took control and brought the NCAA National Championship home to Texas. My new found buddy collected his $90 and as I rode out of the parking lot, he was still yelling into a cell phone about his good fortune.

Damn, we had a good time that night! Hook’em Horns!

Day Four

I noticed my rear brakes were barking loudly at me when I was in Tucson. So, by the time I stopped for the night in Yuma, I decided I better get the pads replaced before going much further. They weren’t metal on metal yet, but it was getting close and those pads wear quickly when they reach that point. Luckily, my planned route left me with only 325 miles to travel on Day Four, so I could take the time to get the problem corrected.

I took the bike to Bobby’s Territorial Harley-Davidson in Yuma first thing the next morning. They recently opened a nice, new shop on Gila Ridge Road. The service guys, Steve and Willie, took good care of me and I was back on the road in an hour with fresh rear pads and a tightened belt.

I guess the football gods must have frowned on my lack of benevolence in victory the night before. I knew I didn’t drink too much, but for some reason, by the time I loaded the bike and headed west out of Yuma I was feeling a little queasy. Little did I know, that was a precursor to the shittiness that was about to surround me.

I rode west out of Yuma on I-8. I was roughly following the old trail to California laid out by John Butterfield for his stage business back in 1858. Actually, Butterfield took advantage of routes explored by Spanish expeditions as early as 1775. Butterfield’s Overland Mail Route became a famous and much used passageway to the west.

I passed through the southern edge of the impressive Imperial Sand Dunes Recreational Area with huge dunes on either side of the highway. Dune buggies and ATVs ran up and down the dunes. With the right equipment, it looked like a good time. Unfortunately, a Fatboy ain’t the right equipment, so I snapped a picture and kept riding.

By the time I reached El Centro, California, that shittiness I mentioned earlier hit me full force. I spent an hour in El Centro fighting off moments of nausea, chills, then fever, and aches that made my joints feel like I was being ripped apart on a medieval torture device. I decided to trudge on. I needed to make it to Wilmington, my best shot at locating Bandit, and I didn’t have time for this shit!

Thirty more miles on I-8 and I exited toward the Anza- Borrego Desert still following the Overland Mail Route. The flu-like symptoms haunted me, but, like a dumb ass, I didn’t stop. At this point, I didn’t have any business being a passenger in a car, much less riding a Harley solo across an empty desert. I think I passed one vehicle going the opposite direction and got passed by a Jaguar (the car, not the animal) somewhere along the way.

Borrego Badlands.

Imperial Highway, as it is called, is 50 miles of nothingness. Even when you reach the end of nothingness, there’s nothing there. You have to go another 15 or 20 miles to get somewhere.

I loaded up in El Centro with a couple of bottles of water and Gatorade. I stopped a couple of times to get a drink and click off some pictures. It took me an hour to cover that 50 miles. There were brief moments where I seemed to lose consciousness and saw bobcats, camels, and stagecoaches blur by at 75 mph. At least my sub-conscious seemed to keep my hallucinations in context. The things I saw (that weren’t really there) fit into the desert environment appropriately.

The long and winding Imperial Highway.

Thanks to divine intervention, I managed to make it through the Carrizo Badlands, No Name Canyon, and Blair Valley, eventually arriving in Warner Springs, California. If there’s a motel in Warner Springs, I didn’t see it or else I might still be there asleep. Since I didn’t see one, I continued my trek toward Bandit’s lair.

I stopped in Temecula and loaded up on flu and pain relief drugs.

Great, as if I wasn’t impaired enough by whatever took over my body, now I was doped up too. Luckily, I only needed to negotiate the freeways of Riverside and Los Angeles counties, what could go wrong?

I made it as far as Corona before my gas tank and body demanded another break. I was feeling a little better, but not much. I gassed up the bike, hit the bathroom and then pulled over to the side of the station and enjoyed a Heath Ice Cream Bar. Man, those things are good and it was my first taste of food since the night before, making it especially good.

Another biker rode up on a fine-looking Fatboy with ape-hangers and went into the shop. My conversation with him was the epitome of contrast to the conversation between my wife and me about my ride to California.

He walked out of the shop and said, “Looks like you’re on a long haul.”

“Yeah” I replied, “I just rode out from Texas.”

“Oh, did you come out for the Rose Bowl?” he asked, making a fair assumption.

“Nah” I answered, “Just for the hell of it.”

He laughed, straddled the Fatboy, lit his cigarette and said, “For the hell of it. I can dig it.” He fired up the Fatboy and rode off.

In 10 seconds he understood what my wife was still trying to figure out years later.

See, if I have to explain, you wouldn’t understand and if you do understand, no explanation is necessary.

It’s been reported that Bandit “works” at the inter-planetary headquarters of Bikernet.com in Wilmington. I decided to take a shot and call to see if he was there. An angelic voice answered the phone making me immediately suspicious. A lovely creature, like the one on the other end of the line, wouldn’t be involved with this Bandit character, would she?

Well, evidently she was, because in a few seconds, Bandit himself was on the line. My long search was over. Upon learning I carried some type of plague across the desert, Bandit suggested I get a good night’s sleep and we would get together the next morning. I couldn’t argue with that logic. Besides, my body was telling me to find a place of sanctuary soon, or it was going to get some rest without my permission.

Fifty miles of LA freeways later, I checked into the Best Western in Harbor City on Pacific Coast Highway. I probably would have made the 6 o’clock news if the clerk said they were out of rooms, but, as luck would have it, she was able to put me up for the night. I unloaded and by 4:30 I was asleep. I woke up a couple times during the night, but basically got myself 15 hours of much needed rest. Thank God I only had to cover 325 miles that day.

My Quest Concludes

The next morning I mounted up and rode the two miles to Wilmington. I parked outside the fortress known as Bikernet.com headquarters. Now my only problem was to figure out how one goes about infiltrating this fortress. Since I didn’t see any obvious way in, I tried the 21st century approach and used my cell phone to penetrate the enclosure.

The same virtuous voice answered the phone again and assured me she would send Bandit my way. A couple of minutes later, I was greeted at the gate by the legend himself. He suggested I ride the Fatboy around the corner and park inside the Bikernet compound. He glanced harshly in both directions and the homeless miscreants scattered.

I had the pleasure of meeting his grandson who was there waiting for the mini-chopper frame to get back from powder coating. I also met John, who handles the Bikernet product lines. I received the nickel tour of the facilities and a quick rundown on the various build projects underway. We walked over and picked up some tubing to replace the hard copper lines on the Shovelhead. Plus, we took a walk down to the waterfront. All-in-all, it was a damned pleasant visit. Like the dumb ass I can be at times, I left my camera back at the hotel, so I missed out on shots of Bandit and Bikernet HQ. He looked relieved that my camera was missing.

The elusive Bandit rolling down the highway. Thanks to Bikernet.com for the use of the picture.

1825 miles later I finally met the man, the myth, and the legend that is Bandit. What did learn? That he’s a man that is extremely proud of his family, community, and his biker brothers and sisters. Motor oil runs through his veins and he lives to make sure the Industry and freedoms he loves survive.

I excused myself to let the man get back to work. That mini-chopper needed to get finished, along with the half dozen other projects in process. I was still a little under the weather, but feeling much better. Besides, I had a return trip to get underway. But, that’s another story coming soon.